Today is filled with memories, that bring both a smile to my face and tears to my eyes and a whole in my heart which will never heal - Its bittersweet. Today five years ago, my first little angel was born sleeping!
Joanna Grace was a gift from heaven and just shy of 29 weeks when she went to dance with the angels.
I remember the day she was born like it happened yesterday and the day the doctor told me my little one wouldn't cry or laugh. I was devastated, just so so sad but not angry. Even though I was sick for most of the pregnancy, I enjoyed it, I adored it when she danced and moved around.
The doctor in Africa didn't realize I was so sick with toxemia and it eventually made my little Joanna Grace sick and she just wasn't strong enough to make it all the way back to NZ for better medical care. We did everything we could: researched, drank lots of water, rested, took medication and prayed our hearts out and for a reason beyond our understanding my heavenly Father decided Joanna Grace was to breath in heaven and not on earth.
The day she was born, was a strange one. Felito arrived a few nights before. We prayed, we cried and the cycle repeated until we slept. We picked out clothes for our little one, not knowing if it was a he or she, but in my heart I knew it was a girl. (I had had a dream when I was just over 20weeks along and in it I had a girl). Chose our names and waited for the sun to come up. During the night, I had asked God to be with me even more and ranted off a little list, that I thought would help us cope and he reminded me of the dream again, he said he would be with me, just like Mary of old and this peace engulfed us and never left. Everything I had prayed the previous night, God answered, it blessed me and sent comfort to my saddened and broken heart but it also spoke of the love and compassion our heavenly Father had for us and his nearness the whole time. Joanna Grace was born on earth, but breathed in heaven, it was a hard day, birthing a child, that wouldn't grow in your arms, but in your heart. To leave the maternity ward with empty arms, is not easy to describe other than heartbreaking, and don't wish that kind of pain upon my enemy. Every midwife came into the room and hugged us, it was so sweet, but the peace in the room was indescribable. I knew my Lord and King was with us that day, even today he is with me and holding my now little girl!
Five years on: It still hurts and stings, but I will boldly and proudly carry the whole in my heart! God filled us with His love and peace and sent his healing power only He can minister with.
Issachar knows that his eldest sister lives in heaven.
One thing that has greatly ministered to me, is now I can minister to other women who have had the same experience and I can share the love of Christ and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. Its been honor to hold and share with the women who have allowed me to that.
There are days that I cry and others I manage to get through. One thing that pulled me through was that my ever faithful saviours love for me and that He never left my side and my little one, my Joanna Grace is in heaven dancing with the angels, and one day soon, we will stand together as a whole family and sing as loud as we can Holy is the Lord God Almighty!!
The Poem I wrote for Joanna Grace which was read out at her funeral.
A Poem - Our LIttle One
♥ Joanna Grace Utuie ♥
Our little one, our beautiful one
Forever in our hearts
Forever Our little one, forever in our mind
Forever our little one
Forever our love for you
♥
Daddy’s little girl,
A twinkle in your mother’s eye
And a smile in our hearts
A butterfly, you are so free
Forever our little one
Forever our love for you
♥
Dancing with the angels
Safe in Daddy’s arms are you
Forever, forever our little one
Love always,
Daddy & Mummy
© Anna Utuie March 2007
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